So this is what it comes down too. Talking to my deviantART journal since there is no possible way to get what I really feel out. I don't want to play the sympathy card on my friends, I don't want to even talk about anymore with my family. Its all that has ever been going through my head for the past three weeks. Since the time I have found out I have been loss of breath, that its some kind of surreal nightmare that I can't wake up too.

My dad has cancer. And he is having surgery tomorrow.

How awful does that sound. And yet when I say that I feel guilty that I shouldn't even have a right to be so afraid and lost about this. Thousands of people go through rougher times, worse cancers, face more horrible things that I can even imagine. My mom's cousin for goodness sakes is facing cancer possibly in her lungs... her skin is yellow and she is getting worse. She's already lost her hair once and now has to go after a year, and go through it again. My dad has the chance to not even go through radiation or anything...

I guess this is the way I have too look at this as the time of his surgery comes closer by every minute... if he gets through the surgery with no complications. If he can do his radiation and get rid of all the cancer and be completely treated and healthy... this is a blessing. A blessing that this has FINALLY got him to quick smoking. That finally my dreams and wishes have been answered that I can have a father that lives to walk me down the isle or to see his first grandchild.

I am so scared.